


never enough

by the_fluffy_unicorn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sabriel - Freeform, but like with all of my fics there's a happy end, graphic depictions of emotional turmoil, happens before s11e22, it's mostly just pain let me be honest with you here, or like in the middle of it but definitely before the final showdown of the ep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 16:44:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6964969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_fluffy_unicorn/pseuds/the_fluffy_unicorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel is back but he stays hidden. Well, technically.<br/>Almost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never enough

_Uh umm no, takes too much time to bring the other archangels back,_ Chuck said.

Because Gabriel asked him. Because he’s too afraid to come back, now – too long, it’s been too long from a human’s perspective. Because it feels like it’s been even longer, for him, a timeless creature – eons, forever.

Because he never thought it would be like this: he is in love with Sam Winchester.

Because it’s a moment that lasts forever, trapped inside his mind – Sam's eyes on his, pleading; his eyes on Sam's, pushing away, _go, be safe. Save the world._

Because human life is a split second, and it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough.

It hurts.

…

He stayed away.

He stayed away and held back, all of this time, and he hated himself for that and he couldn’t change anything. He wouldn’t change anything from that fraction of a split second of his time that happened to coincide with Sam's.

He stayed away, he couldn’t bring himself not to; after all, what excuse could he make up that would sound like the truth he wouldn’t dare to speak?

He didn’t die; not really – he’d been simply put on the back burner of the universe and left to simmer.

He didn’t die and he could have gotten back – right there, right away; he could have, maybe, if he tried; he should have tried; why didn’t he try?

He did come back, eventually, when he felt that _shift,_ that barely perceptible yet definite change in the place that could not, by definition, _be_ changed.

He knew then, knew that he’d be needed, just like before – but he didn’t want it; couldn’t not want it; asked his father to let him stay away, this time, _she is your sister, maybe it will be different, can you at least try to talk to her first?_

Chuck agreed.

Gabriel stayed away.

He couldn’t, of course, not really; it was all too easy and he was weak, craving, starving; he couldn’t resist the temptation.

He spent forever picking the perfect outfit: slim, blonde, beautiful; enough likeness to Mary for Sam to instinctively trust her; not a single feature that could have reminded him of Gabriel. Not a real human, no way: he made her from scratch. Named her Piper – one of his best bitter jokes; nobody but him to appreciate it, a private thing, as it usually is.

Most of the night they just talked. After all, Gabriel had always been a good listener.

He was both flattered and hurt that Sam was interested: he did a good job, too good, creating Piper – he knew what buttons to push, knew how to play to get exactly what he came for – a cardsharp with a perfect hand. And yet there was this bitter aftertaste that came when Sam leaned in to kiss Piper, his Cinderella ball gown, for the first time: Sam was kissing Piper, not _him,_ and that thought alone made him dive in for another kiss, hungry, demanding – so that he wouldn’t need to think at least for a little while.

He had to catch himself, more times that he would dare to count, not to say things that came naturally, like coming home, like Sam's smile, like his eyes lighting up from the inside. _Hey, kiddo. Oh, Sammy. I’m so sorry, Samshine, it must have been tough._

He whispered each of them, over and over again, once he knew that Sam was asleep, limbs wrapped around him – around Piper – in the back seat of the Impala: _I’m sorry, Sammy, I’m so, so sorry._

In the morning, Piper left – cold-hearted smile, _this was fun,_ no strings attached; _I needed her to give you a good memory, not a heartache, that’s why she walks away and never looks back._

That’s why Gabriel didn’t see pain and hope and disbelief and _hope_ flicker in Sam's eyes before he, too, turned away, ready for all of Dean’s teasing.

…

He stayed away, never dared to try that again.

He stayed away, but he was close, warded against everyone and everything – apart from Chuck, but Chuck didn’t say anything.

He stayed away, even though it _hurt_ to see Sam flinch every time he had to be around Lucifer, and there was nothing Gabriel wanted more than to wrap Sam in his wings, shield him from his brother, just like in that moment forever etched into his memory.

He stayed away; he watched Sam sleep, driving the nightmares away, keeping him safe.

…

His fingertips hover over Sam's face, not touching, not allowing the air to move or press on soft skin: not really a touch; not anything, really. _Better than nothing,_ he tells himself.

Better than nothing.

“Gabriel,” Sam says, not opening his eyes.

Gabriel flinches and withdraws his hand.

“Gabriel, please. I know it’s you. It has to be you; either that or I’m losing it – lost it a few months back-”

Sam stutters, takes a deep breath and holds back a sob. He forces a smile, tears running down his face.

“Piper,” Sam says. “That was a good one. You always said I was the best audience for your jokes.”

Gabriel doesn’t say anything. He’s still not really there, but something shifts-

He hesitates.

“I guess… I know what you might think, and why you stayed away – and I just wanna say this: I don’t care. I don’t care how long or why or what really happened – but you are here, now. It’s all that matters to me. You’re here, I can feel it; I can’t feel you – but I do, somehow, I don’t know how; I don’t know if I’m completely crazy and talking to thin air right now – yet somehow I _do know,_ see?”

Sam pauses and runs a hand over his face.

“Chuck’s excuse for not bringing you back was really lame, by the way. That was my next clue. That and Piper – not so much, huh. Better than nothing. More than enough.”

Gabriel peels off the warding; sends it through the bedroom walls.

“This is stupid,” Sam says, “and crazy, I know. I love you.”

He wants to say so much. He doesn’t know where to start.

“I don’t know where to start,” he says.

Sam holds out a hand, palm up.

Gabriel takes it.

“Not a hallucination then,” Sam says. Opens his eyes – wide, shocked, shining.

“The real deal’s all you’re getting here, kiddo.”

Sam's hand is trembling – or is it Gabriel's?

“I – uh – I’m not sure – is it, really?”

Gabriel moves closer; sits on the bed – Sam surges forward, pulls him in, wraps his arms around him, holds him tight.

Neither of them goes in for a kiss, _it is too much,_ Gabriel thinks, _it will never be enough; it is more than enough, it will always be, anything, everything-_

“I love you,” he says, “I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry I didn’t – I couldn’t-”

“You’re here,” Sam says, “you’re real, you’re here, knew it was you-”

“Samshine, my Samshine, I’m sorry-”

And finally, finally –

Sam kisses Gabriel.

Gabriel kisses Sam.

Not enough air, too much, not _enough-_

It hurts.

It’s real.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated as they always make a writer's day better =)  
> come find me [on tumblr](http://yes-ima-fluffy-unicorn.tumblr.com) I'm weird but nice  
> also a nerd  
> =))


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